Any kind of loss, be it your spouse, family member or close friend is hard for all of us to deal with and come to terms with. Yes some people will comfort us and offer us their condolences and support us as much as they can, but the reality is, the loss and separation which causes us so much pain, effects us from within a very deep and emotional level, that anything or anyone cannot ease and feel what we feel, it is solely an ‘ inside job’ which makes it so hard to cope with, being the grieving process is slow and overwhelming, which makes you think, will I make it through this tall order.
When it comes to losing our fur babies, as far as I am concerned and through my own experiencing, it has been far worse than losing a human, even my parents and friends who have passed, here is why.
I have been blessed and privileged to have had the experience of RECEIVING unconditional love from the highest of spiritual beings; this will be no surprise to people reading this who have ever owned a dog or cat. For twelve wonderful years my beloved German Shepherd who so sadly passed away had demonstrated effortlessly to me the exact and precise meaning of unconditional love in all its glory. These amazing beings enter your life bearing everything that is pure, natural and fulfilling. We can learn so much from them, I know I did; they teach us about loyalty, acceptance, forgiveness and gratitude for the smallest of things, like an affectionate stroke or cuddle, praise and a little treat or a throw of a ball and require very little in return like a warm place to sleep and some food in a bowl.
This is why I believe, for me anyhow, that losing a pet that has brought so much joy, happiness and love into your life, never let you down and stayed firmly by your side through thick and thin, it makes it so much more painful when they depart from this world and in most circumstances, losing a human that has passed over, as sad as this loss can be, for me there is no comparison and humans who have never owned a cat or dog say, ‘ he’s only a dog ‘ why you so upset !!! Every single Dog knows how to love unconditionally. If people loved like Dogs, the world would be a better place.
The hardest thing in my 55 years I ever experienced was to have my best friend, my Soul mate, my world put to sleep. His back legs completely went. Taking the love of my life to the vet and lying down on the floor holding my perfect Soul mate in my arms whilst the needle went in was so excruciatingly soul destroying feeling that will stay with me for as long as I live. What made it even more heart wrenching, is that Quola fought like crazy to stay with me which his amazing strong will was overpowering the anaesthetic and two more injections an hour later my everything had gone and my word had come to an abrupt end.
Walking out of the vets smothered in his long hairs on my coat and walking through the door of my home without him was like walking into a haze of the most dense suffocating fog, it was like my soul had departed and left my physical body, I was a walking empty shell. The days and months that followed were filled with bewilderment, lost sense of self with no identity. Quola was my shadow, I moved, he moved, I slept he slept, we were inseparable, so without his presence, I could not operate without him. I sobbed uncontrollably every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every month, I did not know how to live without Quola.
The day came to pick up his ashes, which I chose a beautiful black porcelain urn with grey paw prints on. This nearly tipped me over the edge, trying to comprehend that my Soul Mate was burnt and crushed to smithereens in this urn, I could not digest this concept of death at this time. A few months later I decided to do a memorial wall in my living room, which consisted of beautiful photo’s of different stages of Quola`s life. I even kept his baby milk teeth and framed them in a picture mould and even put locks of his beautiful fur on one of his pictures. I have a huge bag of his fur that I saved when hoovering his hair off the carpet.
Two years on, for me time has not been a healer, the only thing time has taught me, is how to find ways of living without him. Yes I still cry everyday and I can not look deeply into his eyes when looking at his photo’s, for I find the deep void and pain that still remains with me arising back to the surface again, so I briefly see but without really deeply looking, if that makes sense.
I always said to Quola, ” when you pass into the spiritual word, please give me a sign that you are still here with me, for that was the only thing that would keep me going and in ways that I could not imagine he most certainly has done and continues to do today.
I will continue tomorrow on my blog regarding this, for writing this was very painful reliving the memories of Quola’s passing and has been the first time I have re-visited that horrendous day on the 21st January 2017 that Quola passed, but if my blogs help someone who is going through what I went through that’s all that matters that I have helped someone.
Please feel free to leave a comment and any questions you may have that I can help you with.
15/2/2019 Continuation of grieving our fur babies
As I mentioned in yesterdays blog, a few months had passed and the longing for my Quola was absolutely unbearable, I could not see how I could continue living in this world without him and the thought of joining him was floating around in and out of my mind.
One morning waking up after another restless night, I found myself talking out loud to Quola and gazing down at the rug next to my bed where he would sleep, guarding me during the night and something told me to reach for my phone and press the video record button in which I did. I was telling him how sad and lost I am without him, and as I continued to talk and was asking him questions, such as are you okay, are you here. As I continued recording, I saw his apparition appear on the rug and not only that, he was responding to my questions by manifesting his spirit into the most amazing little orbs of various colours. I thought I was hallucinating, I could not believe what I was seeing. During the last two years, I continue to communicate with him in this phenomenal way. His spirit takes on many forms, some are round and have his face in them, not like he looked in his physical body, which is difficult for me to comprehend. The manifestations change shape and some appear to have wings and little legs and see them walking across the floor.
No doubt, a lot of you will be thinking by now, wings and little legs, next she will be saying they sit up at the table with her and enjoy lunch together, and I would not blame you, for I guess without hard evidence, I would be suggesting she needs to see a mental health professional quick smart !!!
As you can see, I have only just started up my website and am new to blogging, so it is a work in progress, so please bare with me. As from next Thursday, once I have upgraded my website which then I will have access to uploading all of my footage of what I have described above, then you can witness for yourself the extraordinary phenomenal connection I have with my late Soul mate Quola. I have put a few short videos of some of these occurrences on my face book profile, which you are more than welcome to check out. If you have any difficulty getting on to my profile page, by all means send me a friend request which will enable you access to this.
Even though I know that Quola’s spirit remains with me, which has comforted and reassured me that death most certainly is not the end, which also has smashed my fear of dying out the water, I still weep and long to touch and hold him and am slowly getting my head around the fact is that the physical body really is only transportation to carry the soul around.
Finally, I just want to say, I sincerely hope my blog has helped in some small way and if you want me to contact you and let you know that the footage is on my website, then just leave your email address and I will definitely get back to you to keep you updated.
Tomorrow I will be writing about how my new fur baby has helped me cope with my loss.
Losing my Soul mate and all the suffering that it entails, the furthest thought from my mind, was to think about getting another dog. Why would I, no dog in the entire Universe would have a patch on my German Shepherd, he was perfect in everyway, I could never be disloyal and would not want to be, to my late Soul mate and have another dog living in the home where my dog lived, never in a million years.
Well a few months went by, I struggled to get out of bed in the mornings and did not want to face anyone or anything, I was in a black depression which is real frightening for me, due to a severe psychotic nervous breakdown I had many years ago after the traumatic birth of my daughter. I have been prone to episodes of depression ever since and what seems to trigger it, is any major unplanned change of circumstances in which I was definitely experiencing with the loss of my Quola. I felt close to the edge and my friend was really concerned for my mental health. What made it even worse, that it was the first time since my late teenage years where I found myself alone and having no responsibilities, no one to care for, as my daughter was all grown up and has a family of her own and when she fled the nest, I got Quola as a puppy.
It is not a case of not being comfortable on my own, I am a strong independent women who knows her own worth, it just happened to be, I have always had a commitment and a responsibility to someone under my care which I am most certainly not complaining, these were my choices I made throughout my life.
With my head all over the place, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to get a new puppy to save my sanity and give me a purpose. I truly was not being rational, I just wanted this excruciating mental, emotional and physical feeling of doom and despair to leave me, it was unbearable.
So the day came when we went to pick up my eight week old miniature Dachshund, the complete opposite in every way of that of my German Shepherd. Well he looked so tiny and innocent staring at me with his big blue eyes filled with wonder, anticipation but strangely enough he showed no fear of leaving his Mother and siblings.
To be honest, I did not know what I was doing, I had obviously done no research into this breed, was far to deep in grief to even consider it, and being a tiny little dog will be low maintenance and be a breeze to train and look after, how bloody wrong was I.
Well the first 6 months was a combination of bedlam and despair and still in chronic mourning for my Quola. This little monster ran me ragged, toileting all over the place and wanting to bite and chew everything including me. I could not leave anything lying about, the little hooligan would take off with anything he could get his thieving little paws on. He was totally out of control, he was like the devil incarnate who took over my bed, my home and craved attention every waking hour, I was exhausted beyond belief, what have I done.
I realised that I was resenting him and comparing everything about him with my Quola, I could not feel the love and any kind of connection with him and realised I made a mistake getting him. Don’t get me wrong, he was looked after in every single way and had all the cuddles and affection, which I knew was me projecting my love for Quola onto him but it felt superficial and all I could do was long for my German Shepherd.
Two years now have passed and some changes have taken place. Dexter, my Dachshund and I have a beautiful relationship today. He has grown into a beautiful dog in which surprisingly I can say I love to bits. Yes I do feel guilty of having and loving him, kind of like a betrayal to Quola but I know Quo would want me to love him and give Dexter all the that I gave him in every way.
My grief I must say, is still very raw and painful and I still cry every day. I know since having to put my soul mate to sleep, that day a huge part of my heart and soul went with him and life will never be the same for me here on earth again but I am learning and finding my way to live without him being physically here even though I know his spirit is well and truly here watching over me and Dex. Dexter has made me smile and laugh and live again and I am so truly grateful and relieved that I persevered with Dex and feel so blessed to have two amazing fur babies to love and cherish in this life time.